LaTely.......

*swooshh swooshhh* all the cobwebs….ahhh—choooo, opps guess too much of dust as well.

Reading the above, know that it has been a while since I last update my blog. Has been pretty lazy bones lately and there is nothing much to update either. I have never cooked for ages already…due to that lately was very tired and lazy as well.

But today, I thought of just expressing what has been happening in my life lately. Things isn’t really smooth for me, there are a lot of hiccups happening in my life. In my work lately, I’m not sure if I’m sensitive, but I just felt something is not very right and it sure does gives me goose-bumps, anxiety, stress and etc. The feeling is kind of tormenting as I feel like I have to always on my best guard in doing my work. What is it that you may ask? I don’t know but I just felt that recently people tried to “bring me down”, especially the people at higher level. They will bombard me with weird, and sometimes stupid questions regarding cases. I’m not sure how to elaborate of how it works / feels, but it just make me feel very uncomfortable and just felt something is not right. On top of that, I have to entertain to some “dependent colleagues”, whom I have to “fish” and “feed” them, instead of teach them how to “fish” and “feed” themselves. It just gets on my nerves every time these happen. I really don’t understand how they work, why can’t they just use their brain to work more sensibly and logically? Why they must always want to rely on people, is it because with that, then they can have the opportunity to pint-point to other people when there is any faulty in future?

Then, about backing-up duties, with roughly four of us in a team, but always ended up backing up people’s a** when one is not around? C’mon am just human, just a normal human being, which I just can’t understand why every time I have to back-up people’s a** when they are not around? Why everything also I must do? Is it really that when one being ignorant / plain busy, he/she need not to do the task anymore? Is it being a leader, you will always have the right to direct people to do the work while you are just responsible for your own duties only and you are not required to back-up / help other people with their tasks? I really don’t understand at all, it does piss me off. It’s not that I can’t do the tasks, but I just want fairness in delegation, but sadly there is nobody in office that I can turn to, and yes including the higher level people. I try to stay positive and do whatever I can, but it seems that I always been taken advantage of, is it that am so easily taken advantage of? And the people here, though you give your all every time for every of your duties, in the end, the recognition won’t come to you, but when there is a fault found, be ready then, as questions will start to shower onto you. Please don’t get me wrong that I love to complain this and that, which I never contended with what I have. And it’s not that I don’t like my job either, but the way the people here work / think, really gives me huge disappointment / discouragement.

On top of my work matters, there has also been some changes in my family. My granny is now staying at a nursing home due to that nobody is available to take care of her. She has slight dementia problem or lapses of memory lost. It really ache my heart when I found out that there is no other way but nursing home. When I went to visit her for the first time after she stayed there, I barely can control my tears, seeing all the old folks there as well as seeing my grandma whom has aged, growing thinner and thinner (though she is eating), can’t remember things (and which is including us), just makes me way beyond to control myself. It’s not really a big matter that she couldn’t remember us, but looking at her condition it really breaks my heart into pieces. I know clearly that in life, death is inevitable; everybody has to go through it. But, still I really find it hard to accept when it involves the people around me, especially the ones that close / dear to me the most. Even today, though my grandpa has passes on for many years, but the memories of me and him still etched so deeply in my heart, that every time when I thought of him, my tears will just roll down. I know I have to be strong and face these situations, but my heart is just very weak…very weak. There are times I do wish that I can take their places, I do wish that I can turn back the clock, but I know all these are impossible. But somehow at the corner of my mind, it will just stay there as “my wish”.

Before I ended, here’s a short poem to our beloved grandpa:

Yeh-yeh, though years has passed,
But the memories of you still deeply etched in our hearts,
Your love, care and concern will forever be with us,
Though you are far apart from us.

Yeh-yeh, we will always love you.